Thursday, November 27, 2008

Glimpses of Hope

I continue to struggle with being consistent with this blogging thing, but I'll make an attempt to get back on the bandwagon. Since my last post their have been glimpses of hope and moments of despair. Since sharing about my need for hope I met another warrior autism mom who has see her child "recover" from the debilitating challenges of autism. It was a great encouragement for me to get to know this mom a bit and meet a "recovered" child. I've read stories and seen online testimonials about "recovered" kids, but had never met one in person. In sharing my excitement about meeting this mom and child with a family member I learned that my aunt was praying specifically that I would have the courage to hope again that Seth could improve. This was a very touching and insightful prayer request for me.

We have started yet more new biomedical treatments with Seth and finally think we are seeing some small changes for the better. We have had comments from family and friends that they think they are seeing changes also. This will be a long journey, but we pray that all that we are pursuing will lead to improvements in Seth's life and consequently ours. Yet in the midst of all this the day to day still has been getting me down a lot lately. I've been feeling a lack of joy in the day to day things that usually bring me joy. I've been routinely at my wits end with my family and often have felt like a failure as a wife and mom.

I wish that I could be a steadier person, one who did not have such ups and downs. Yet recently my best friends told me that from some conversations she's had with other women lately, she thinks we are very balanced, level women. If I'm balanced and level and like to see what a person with a lot of ups and downs is like. I want to stay consistently in a place of peace and trust - knowing and believing from the bottom of my heart that He is working all things for good in my life. But I doubt, I question, I routinely whine and complain that "life is not fair!" Yes Dad - I still at my core think that life should be fair, even though I know for a fact that it is far from fair. And I realize that there are many out there with much bigger problems than mine. Right now a dear friend is battling the final stages of lung cancer - that's not fair!!!

I yearn for Christ's return and His reign upon the earth, when all will be set right and we will live in a state of complete justice. I am so thankful for the hope I have in this reality yet to come. I cannot imagine walking the journey I've been asked to walk or watching other walk difficult journeys without the hope of something far, far better beyond this life. And I'm so thankful that by the grace of God, not anything I've done I have assurance of that blessed eternal life. So I guess I'm learning to cope with what I have before me by focusing on the glories and blessings of the life eternal that I have been promised. I praise the Lord for this hope!!